Last week Chris went away for a few days to Devon and it is true what they say, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
With the cost of living crisis, the recent pandemic and even political unrest, we all feel unsettled and stressed at the moment. Personally, I experience a lack of work during the summer, due to holidays and students not requiring my time in tutoring, which will mean a financial deficit in the upcoming months, so this is another challenge for us. I also like to be busy. I thrive when I am timetabled. I relish life when I am called from one appointment to another, and when I have less to do I flounder, almost waiting for people to entertain me, but even I feel that it is possible to be too busy. We have had to navigate quite a few extreme situations over the last few weeks, and it has been intense, resulting in no down time.
Chris’ brain injury frequently forces me into the role of a carer. Whilst he hates this description, I imagine many women who are married to the neurotypical male can sympathise with this at times, as I regularly hear women humorously referring to the “extra child” they have, so I can often explain things away, that this is a role that is not out of the ordinary. However, I hope I will be forgiven for saying that I do believe that Chris’ condition does provide us with extraordinary problems and situations. I can’t imagine many people’s husbands stopping to help the stranded and distressed one Saturday afternoon (coincidentally outside our church) only to accidentally ram-raid the chapel’s gates, and then having to pay for a replacement rear light cluster. Or storing a barrel too close to our neighbours’ boundary line in our front garden, resulting in them shouting and swearing at us over the back fence whilst I’m trying to teach. Or leaving their mobile phone on the Devon rocks, finding it gone forever when attempting to return for it… all this just within the last two weeks!
Whilst providing a break from these extreme experiences, with Chris away and without his love and attention, I found myself lacking. Apparently I need to be told I’m beautiful and loved all day every day, so due to this, I found myself being extra tempted to return to a destructive way of thinking, one that meant I could have easily become distracted from my end goal, and I began eagerly consuming the scraps of attention that some people are willing to toss me. In my mid to late teens, this resulted in me being prepared to give them everything and all of myself in return for these scraps. Fortunately this time, these scraps turned out to be crumbs and I guess I can admit that had they been even slightly more, I may have sabotaged everything, so I have dodged a bullet. I know I am better than this, that I deserve better than this and actually, I can give better than this to those around me, which is important to remember too.
On Thursday evening, when Chris came through the front door, not only did I recognise how attractive I found him (particularly with his fresh haircut and bronze tan) but I remembered that he is my other half, my best friend and knows me better than anyone. Since he has returned, he has repeatedly shown and told me how beautiful and attractive I am. Not only that, though, he has complimented me on my brain, capabilities and personality. I feel whole and desirable. I love the team we form when we are together, and I am happy I get to love my life by his side. He empowers me and gives me peace. Maybe there is an element of Chris having missed me too, but maybe I’m so used to his doting that without it, I definitely spiralled downwards.
I am working with my counsellor to have a relationship with and validate myself, rather than living for other peoples’ perspectives and what they deem acceptable or appropriate. I also know its not ideal to only be able to function to full capacity when Chris is around. I am beginning to look into volunteering somewhere that I can share my own experiences in both the grooming and conditioning that I went through years ago.
Most recently, I am grateful for the friends that have told me they worry about me, for the friends that sit and help me process my thoughts and the circumstances I am in. I am also beginning to recognise that the times when we laugh at home going about our daily business, when we eat out together or even the ones when we sit silently, comfortable in each other’s company are amongst the most special and are the times to live for.
Someone I know once shared something relevant in a women’s group at church. She said that is keenly aware that it is her attitude that sets the tone at home. If she is happy and positive, then the atmosphere is much improved. I can completely relate to this, but accept that no one can be happy all of the time, and maybe a break leads to feeling rejuvenated. I mean, surely every carer needs respite once in a while!
Ford for Thought 