This week I have been thinking a lot about the things we say to people, and how we conduct ourselves, even through text. It is an absolute priority of mine that I come across as friendly as possible to people, and that I am kind to those around me. I try to be polite, sometimes even to the point of overcompensating for how unfriendly and short text itself can come across (by gauging and adding the required amount of kisses to the end of a message, depending on the context).
My free time is limited by the working life I have built for myself, and I sometimes marvel at how successful my little English tutoring business has become. I’m very happy with the working reputation I maintain, and I love both the students I teach and the parents I work with in equal measure. I currently teach 22 hour-long sessions a week from Monday to Thursday, and I have 34 students whom I see regularly, both during the day or after school. Apart from the 22 hours spent teaching, many hours of additional time are consumed by communication with these students and parents, in marking work, in talking logistics and giving feedback, and also in logging and chasing payments. Throughout all this, coming across as professional, approachable, amenable and kind is paramount, which takes extra time. Its quicker to write shorter messages, but I worry that these would be too blunt.
I believe when socialising and seeing friends, the above should be equally as true. Being approachable, amenable and kind is essential in a strong and genuine friendship. For me, spending recreational time often takes a back seat due to the hours I work, therefore, when I do plan to spend time with someone, I now feel like I only want to surround myself with those that have an upbeat energy, with those that feel positively towards me and give me the benefit of the doubt.
There is no question in my mind that people go through experiences and have conditions and diagnoses which mean they find it hard to be consistently happy, or to maintain a calm and even disposition when socialising, as certain things can be triggering for them. In fact, I have been through things myself things that were limiting for me. Unfortunately some friends did and said things that would trigger sadness or yearning and subsequent insecurities, which is impossible to avoid and was definitely not purposeful. When I am feeling my lowest, anyone who has managed to survive as a nuclear family can trigger me, so it is essential that I caveat what I am saying with the point that I believe we can have the best intentions and still upset people, through no fault of our own.
Through hard times I have had great friends that took time to listen to my woes and supported me at my worst. Life without the support and relief they provided would have been significantly harder, so I am grateful for those that have been a constant support. As a result of my divorce, I have been shunned by people, or at least that is how it felt. People who I thought were genuinely my friends too have acted coldly towards me (through allegiance to my ex-husband), and I have wasted too much time struggling to drag myself back into these relationships when I wasn’t actually wanted.
Over the years, my sensitivity and overthinking would lead to short periods of misery. If something happened that was emotionally upsetting, it used to consume an inordinate amount of my headspace, rendering me emotionally vacant and useless to my husband and children, as I struggled to wait for something that would, I believed, put it right. This would range from waiting for someone accepting an apology, if I felt I had wronged them, or anticipating a response to a text to put my mind at rest that someone still felt positively about me, and that they still wanted to be my friend. Nothing else would matter, and I’m not joking when I say that I couldn’t properly live my life again until I had solved the current problem. I know now that this gave other people too much power, and whilst I can’t say I have completely put these thought processes behind me, I do feel that I am much better at dealing with things now that I have realised that I can choose to be happy regardless of how other people may view me. My husband and my children deserve the best of me, regardless of any friendship concerns I may have, and I have to be able to compartmentalise these things, soothing myself into thoughts of calm and relativity.
The sad truth is that friendships end and relationships shift and change. Sometimes limited communication with friends is necessary for one or both parties, and sometimes it is no longer viable to continue with particular friendships. I genuinely used to feel sad and sentimental about this, but now I think that relationships are transitory and each can serve a purpose at specific times in our life. I believe it is best to try to navigate through such relationships with a thought process that rationalises an outcome that is best for yourself, but is simultaneously a positive outcome for the other party, if it at all can be. I have learnt that in some cases, people can be toxic for each other, and it is okay to remove yourself from other people’s lives in the interest of mental and emotional preservation.
After deciding that I will prioritise who I want to spend time with, I feel a sense of relief and freedom. Within the last couple of weeks I have actually been telling myself that I deserve better, and actually believing it, which is monumental for me. I still need to work on not being such a people pleaser, and standing up for myself in conversations, as I still shy away from contention with friends, on the whole. Confidence in myself as a result of my work has been fantastic, though, and I am grateful for my career every single day. I love that what I do makes a difference in peoples’ lives, and is a vehicle to gaining a qualification, when hopes of this may have been lost.
Ford for Thought 